Freak

When I was young I'd say I was generally liked by other children although I never felt like I connected with them and always felt like an alien that had been plonked on a planet and put in a human body and could see the other humans looking at me from behind their noses and I went along with it.

On top of that I had a funny shaped head, ha!

An elongated skull. I remember been in a doctors room and him measuring my head and my mum asking him questions but I was never told why I was slightly different.

It seems like such a minor thing but it shaped my life and I always felt like a freak, inside and out.

If the kids were in a cruel mood, they would pick up on my difference and call me names like egghead and elephant man.

I remember I used to dread The Elephant Man being on telly as I knew the kids the next day would be calling me it. I identified with him to such an extent that I was afraid to sleep on my back. Who knew that years later I would discover David Lynch films and he was my favourite film maker and then I discovered he made that film and I love it so much now.

One day a teacher decided it would be a nice thing to do to project our shadows onto paper and draw around our silhouettes and colour them in to make artworks of us.

All the other kids were laughing at me and I remember going home and crying all night.

I watched the Grinch recently, the Jim Carey one and wow! I really identified with that guy.

As I grew older I stopped caring what people thought of me as often happens with age, although I'm still pretty alienated

I suppose I could have fitted in if I'd tried but I tired of people so much that I realised that I wanted to spend as little time with people as possible.

I reckon I've had three friends in my entire life. Non of them really true friends. I suppose I'd think of a true friend as like a platonic soulmate, that's my idealised view.

I've had a lot of casual friends and coworkers, etc, that I really like and care for but that's different from actually having a close friend.

In the last eight years, I've been out about three times, the last time was three years ago.

Sometimes I think it would be nice to have a real friend, but then again that would mean I'd have to go out and do stuff.